Why the Smartest People Have the Toughest Time Dating | HuffPost Life
10 Reasons Smart People Have A Hard Time Dating The Ivy League snob believes his fellow private college geniuses (yes, he even the Huffington Post, he gave his five reasons why smarties can't get in anyone's pants. Over on Quora, more than people have answered the question "What are the As Donna F Hammett writes, intelligent people adapt by "showing what can be at a later date -- i.e., those who had more self-control -- generally scored higher on tough problems and demonstrate self-control while working toward goals. If you want to turn women on during a conversation, you have to do things like flirt with her, Able to analyze and solve complex academic problems. . the Math Genius doesn't know a lot about how to attract women and succeed at dating or.
At the same time, there's an opportunity cost associated with achievement. Time spent studying, doing homework, and practicing the violin is time not spent doing other things -- like chasing boys or girls, which turns out is fairly instrumental in making you a well-rounded human. The upshot of all that achievement is that you get into a top college -- congratulations! Dating is at best another extracurricular, number six or number seven down the list, somewhere between Model UN and intramural badminton.
I've been co-hosting young alumni events for name-brand schools for long enough to know that these kids come out a little lopsided which sounds so much better than "socially awkward," don't you think? All they need is a little tune up, or a little dating textbook like The Tao of Dating for Women or The Tao of Dating for Mento get them going -- plus a little practice.
Of course, as noted above, things only get worse once you graduate. And if you're frustrated with your love life, you just might try to compensate by working harder and achieving even more to fill that void. Left untreated, this condition can go on for decades. I know people in their 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond who still haven't figured out how to create an intimate connection with another human being. It's because they've been going at it the wrong way.
Which brings us to Smart people feel that they're entitled to love because of their achievements. For most of their lives, smart people inhabit a seemingly-meritocratic universe: If they work hard, they get good results or, in the case of really smart folks, even if they don't work hard, they still get good results. Good results mean kudos, strokes, positive reinforcement, respect from peers, love from parents. So it only makes sense that in the romantic arena, it should work the same way.
The more stuff I do, the more accomplishments and awards I have, the more girls or boys will like me. Please say I'm right, because I've spent a LOT of time and energy accumulating this mental jewelry, and I'm going to be really bummed if you tell me it's not going to get me laid. Well, it's not going to get you laid, brother or sister.
10 Reasons Why Intelligent People Have A Rough Time Finding Love | Thought Catalog
It may get you a first date, but it's probably not going to get you a second date. And it certainly won't bring you lasting love and fulfillment. Your romantic success has nothing to do with your mental jewelry and everything to do with how you make the other person feel. And making someone feel a certain way is a somewhat nonlinear process that requires a different kind of mastery than that of calculus or Shakespeare.
In other words, you need to earn love or at least lust. Sadly, no mom, dad or professor teaches us about the power of the well-placed compliment or put-downgiving attention but not too much attention, being caring without being needy. I wrote a whole page book about that, so that's a story for a different day.
10 Reasons Why Intelligent People Have A Rough Time Finding Love
You don't feel like a fully-realized sexual being and therefore don't act like one. At some point in your life, you got pegged as a smart person. From then on, that was your principal identity: Especially if you had a sibling who was better looking than you, in which case she or he was The Pretty One.
Now you could be absolutely stunning in which case you're both smart AND pretty and everyone hates you except for me -- call me, like, immediatelybut your identity is still bound up in being The Smart One. So maybe you dress frumpy and don't pay a lot of attention to your appearance. Or never bothered to cultivate your sensuality as a woman. Or your sexual aggression as a male. Attracting a partner is all about the dance of polarity. Energy flows between positive and negative electrodes, anode and cathode, magnetic north and south.
Unless you actually convey femininity as a woman or masculinity as a man, you're not going to attract a suitable companion of the opposite sex. Part of the issue is this: When all of your personal energy is concentrated in the head, it never gets a chance to trickle down to the heart, or, god forbid, the groin.
By virtue of being born of the union of male and female, yang and yin, you are a sexual being. Now do what you need to do to perpetuate the race already.
Use what mama amoeba gave you. That brings us to You're exceptionally talented at getting in the way of your own romantic success. Here's an incontrovertible fact: Every one of your ancestors survived to reproductive age and got it on at least once with a member of the opposite sex. All the way back to Homo erectus. And even further back to Australopithecus. And even further back to monkeys, to lizards, to the first amphibian that crawled out of the slime, the fish that preceded that amphibian, the worm before the fish and the amoeba that preceded the worm.
And you, YOU, in the year C. This may mean skipping the feelings talk and moving straight to a solution or working so hard to figure out why something happened they get stuck in analysis-mode. Yet, as most folks know, relationships revolve around the heart, where emotions rule. Because of this, geniuses may be perceived one of a few ways.
Cold and uncaring Judgmental Arrogant Try to understand your genius doesn't act this way maliciously. He or she simply has a hard time understanding how the average person thinks and feels. Play to Your Combined Strengths One study from Yale and University of New Hampshire showed couples with one partner higher in emotional intelligence EI rated themselves higher on life satisfaction than those who had two people with high EI. They concluded perhaps it was helpful for one person to take the lead in conflict and communication.
What this means is you can use your situation to your advantage. Where your partner takes the lead in the logical realm, you can take the lead when it comes to emotions. Develop Open Communications Skills Instead of assuming your partner knows how to communicate with you, develop a style that is best for both of you to have conversations. Take a breath when strong emotions arise.
Your partner may be more even keel when it comes to displaying emotion.
Use that as your guidepost. Give yourself some time to cool down before you start a conversation.
- Advice for Dating a Genius
- Why the Smartest People Have the Toughest Time Dating
Clearly communicate your feelings and desires. Understand when you step on each other's toes, it is because you have a difference of opinion or different needs. Instead of blaming him or her, help your partner understand your experience. It will play to the intellectual side.
Once you have explained how you feel and think, communicate that you are interested in finding out more about your partner's feelings and needs.