Podcast: Dating and finding love over the age of 55 with Susan Bratton
'Men should date women half their age plus seven': The strange “I find it amusing that there's an equation for the 'optimal' age gap in love. Read the comedian's essay for TIME on changing the world of online dating. in a romantic partner (age, religion, hair color and the like) and the characteristics. Globally, at least m people use digital dating services every month. In America more than a third of marriages now start with an online.
Here are some key tips on surviving the new age of dating. How to Survive the New Age of Dating 1. Know what you want. Furthermore, know what you want in a partner. Through trial and error, and quite a few bad dates, I have a good idea of what I want now. You owe it to yourself to have high-quality relationships.
People have gotten lazy in this area. There is no better way to foster the relationship. This whole new ghosting trend that has been taking over the dating scene is immature and cowardly.
Know your self-worth and limits. You need to set boundaries for yourself and know when to call it quits when someone is manipulating or taking advantage of you. It provides you with a seemingly endless supply of people who are single and looking to date. Before online dating, this would have been a fruitless quest, but now, at any time of the day, no matter where you are, you are just a few screens away from sending a message to your very specific dream man. There are downsides with online dating, of course.
Throughout all our interviews—and in research on the subject—this is a consistent finding: Even a guy at the highest end of attractiveness barely receives the number of messages almost all women get. On the Internet, there are no lonely corners. Medium height, thinning brown hair, nicely dressed and personable, but not immediately magnetic or charming. The first woman he clicked on was very beautiful, with a witty profile page, a good job and lots of shared interests, including a love of sports.
Imagine the Derek of 20 years ago, finding out that this beautiful, charming woman was a real possibility for a date. If she were at a bar and smiled at him, Derek of would have melted. But Derek of simply clicked an X on a web-browser tab and deleted her without thinking twice. Watching him comb through those profiles, it became clear that online, every bozo could now be a stud.
But dealing with this new digital romantic world can be a lot of work. Even the technological advances of the past few years are pretty absurd. In the history of our species, no group has ever had as many romantic options as we have now.
Laundry Detergent In theory, more options are better, right? Psychology professor Barry Schwartz, famous for his book The Paradox of Choicedivided us into two types of people: We have all become maximizers. When I think back to that sad peanut-butter-and-banana sandwich I had in Seattle, this idea resonates with me.
If you only knew how good the candles in my house smell. When you watched their actual browsing habits—who they looked at and contacted—they went way outside of what they said they wanted.
When I was writing stand-up about online dating, I filled out the forms for dummy accounts on several dating sites just to get a sense of the questions and what the process was like. The person I described was a little younger than me, small, with dark hair.
My girlfriend now, whom I met through friends, is two years older, about my height—O. A big part of online dating is spent on this process, though—setting your filters, sorting through profiles and going through a mandatory checklist of what you think you are looking for.
People take these parameters very seriously.
Aziz Ansari: Love, Online Dating, Modern Romance and the Internet
But does all the effort put into sorting profiles help? Despite the nuanced information that people put up on their profiles, the factor that they rely on most when preselecting a date is looks. Now, of course, we have mobile dating apps like Tinder. As soon as you sign in, Tinder uses your GPS location to find nearby users and starts showing you pictures.
Maybe it sounds shallow. In the case of my girlfriend, I initially saw her face somewhere and approached her. I just had her face, and we started talking and it worked out. Is that experience so different from swiping on Tinder?
So would I be in a relationship if I couldn't have this? What is that for you? People have very different needs in their relationships and once you begin to understand what your top four relationship values are, then it becomes very easy for you as you are dating people. We're going to talk about what it takes to get out there and get in the dating world.
When you're dating people, you can say to them what I'm really looking for is a relationship with a lot of freedom, a lot of passion, a lot of fun and adventure, and total honesty, or something like that. Those may or not be your relationship values, those are just examples of top relationship values that many people have. It's interesting you talk about that; I remember talking to this gentleman who is probably, I don't know, I would say based on he stated that he had a 30 year marriage and she passed away and we're having this conversation, he says to me you know some woman who is interested in hanging out with me?
I'm really looking for companionship and, I don't know, I've got a good dental package. I started giggling and he says I'm serious; you never know, women really want that security. It's like he was pitching himself, not to me, but wanting me to pitch him to other people and I thought that was kind of cute.
How To Find Love In An Age of Online Gay Dating | The Soulmates Blog
After that I decided he probably has a lot more to give as a companion, as a friend, as a sweetheart than just a dental package at his office. I wanted to give the url on where you can find this video as well as the link she's talking about is theseniorlist. It is a quick workbook, I've actually gone through it myself, and it really starts to ask you questions that you could begin to really solidify what you want.
So let's talk about once we get that handle of what we want, where can they find it? There's one more thing I want to say about relationship values and that is that once you know you're top four relationship values, you're going to be able to look at any perspective person that you could date through that lens and you're going to say could they really provide the level of, let's just say that freedom is one of your top relationship values, and you've met someone but they want to be instantly monogamous and they're kind of clingy, and they want to know everything you're doing, and everywhere you go, and they want you to text them all through the day, and you're thinking to yourself, that's not a values match for me.
It gives you a really good sense of what it is that's important to you, and then it allows you to communicate those values to a prospective partner. For example, if you say to someone I'm really a freedom lover, I just can't be pinned down. I would love to date you, but I'm really not into the monogamous thing right now.
I'd love to go out and have a good time; I'd be happy to be a girlfriend for you, but not the only girlfriend that you have. Are you cool with that? Can you handle that? Some person might say that's not right for me, I'm looking for someone who's just totally in to me and I would feel weird wondering if you're having a better time out there with someone else.
Conversely, if you are that person that wants that other half, the other side of the coin, kind of relationship where it's just the two of you against the world and it's only the two of you, and that's the only thing you'd settle for, then maybe dating someone who want to date around isn't the right thing for you. So this gets to how you qualify someone as a prospective partner. It starts by understanding what your relationship values are because then it's really easy to understand what a match is and where you might get your heart broken.
I love that because I think it gives women and men the opportunity to say this is not a value match versus I don't like you, it's kind of an opportunity to really check in with yourself and say these are my values, are those your values?
You're a good person, I'm a good person, and we're not a value match; it's a very different context. It gives, I think, a lot of women freedom. One of the things I hear, especially women that are going back into the dating life, is I don't want to upset the guy if I'm not into him, or with men it's the same thing for women; I don't want to upset her, I don't want to get them angry if I'm not in to them.
So it's an opportunity to kinda reevaluate. I'm going to give the url one more time of where this is so you can go grab it for yourself. Now we're down this road, Susan what's next? Once they have to values and get that clear, what's the next step? The very first step that you want to do when you're thinking about dating, you want to get yourself out there, you want to meet people, and go on dates, and find a partner, or multiple partners, is online dating.
That's where everything is now. This is where dating is happening in the modern day, and it's happening for people across the age spectrum. They're using applications like Tinder and others; Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel; these kinds of things. There's two different things about online dating apps; one is that some of them are on websites, and some are on your phone. If you can figure out how to get a dating app on your phone, if you have a smartphone, that's what I actually recommend because a very important part of doing online dating is qualifying someone.
That's where you'll actually be using the chat application, or the messaging application, inside that application on your phone to talk to people and they won't necessarily know who you really are and you'll be able to screen them before you have, not your first date, but something called a meet and greet, which would be after you've qualified them.
Searching for love in the age of online gay-dating
Let's step back before we get ahead of ourselves and talk a little bit about online dating. There's Our Timewhich is great for people who are in midlife and beyond, but I also think that dating sites and apps like eHarmony and Match can be very good.
There are other ones like I had mentioned; Tinder, or Coffee Meets Bagel, or what have you; and those tend to skew a little bit younger so you'll have less of a pool of prospective partners.
There are also religiously affiliated dating applications. You can google different dating applications and find one if you're a Christianor if you're Jewish, or there's Jade Date, and things like that.
Then, the second most important thing that you have to do is get good pictures. Pictures are the thing and if I see anybody doing anything wrong in online dating, the number one thing that people do wrong is they don't have enough pictures, the pictures aren't flattering, the lighting is bad, you're not smiling, you're wearing a hat.
If you're bald, take off your hat. If you, as a woman, are wearing sunglasses and covering up your face, get those sunglasses off. It's very, very important for you to just have your friends take some pictures of you and use a lot of different pictures showing you doing some fun things.
Though it's fine if you have a pet and you like your pets, to maybe be in one picture; don't have that be your main photo. Don't have, you know, you're holding your two dogs, their scruffily stuff is obscuring your face, they can barely see you and it's all about the dogs, because remember what you're looking for is a partner and they don't want to have to compete with the puppies for your attention.
That's a really interesting point I want to point that out. Recently, I've been on an app and I've seen that. It's almost like they're selling their dog or selling their cat, they're not really selling themselves; they're like you must love my dog, or you don't get me.Speaking of Psychology - Making Love Last & Dating in the Digital Age with Benjamin Karney (SOP66)
I think that's a really good analogy, and I love that I have a dog and I love my dog and I understand that, but I'm trying to date, or potentially conversation with the person, not the dog, so I agree with that. There's another funny little thing that guys kind of naturally do with their online pictures that doesn't really help get a date and that is, you'll see this all over dating apps; guys holding up a big, ugly fish in a photo.
It's not a turn on for us ladies, generally. You might find that one random woman that loves that fly fishing, or whatever, she must be out there somewhere, but…. So yeah I get that. I think one of the things I like is when they're doing something active, men and women, they're doing something active; they're not just standing there, or pictures with their friends, or they're active with something versus just standing or selfies from the mirror on their bathroom wall.
Pictures are so important in online dating apps; they're what catch a person's eye. For men, being very, very visual, not that women aren't visual, but men are very, very visual creatures and they really are drawn to beauty and every woman is beautiful, especially to men. Interesting thing about testosterone is that testosterone does not have a fussy eye. It doesn't pick up the things that we women pick up, we're estrogen based, and we see everything. We see all the flaws, we see the littlest thing, which is why men don't see your flaws, so don't talk about them.
Put yourself in your best light and love yourself, and make beautiful pictures that you're happy with of yourself and don't be so hard on yourself. We're just human beings in these silly little bodies. It's your heart, it's your love, it's the fun that you bring, the companionship that you bring that is what they're looking for.
They want a woman who likes the way she looks, feels confident about herself no matter how that is that she looks because he's not going to see the flaws. On the flip side, the number one thing women want when they're dating a guy is grooming.
I'll tell you that I was recently down with the flu and I was watching the television show Queer Eye. Queer Eye is five gay guys, they're called the Fab Five, and they go into someone's life and they take an average Joe, and they fix him all up.
The very first thing they do is they give him a haircut, they trim his eyebrows, they get rid of the ear hair, and they trim the nose hair, and they give him a nice clean beard, or a nice clean shaven look. Then the second thing that they do is they take all those baggy clothes that you guys wear and they put them in a nice slim-fitting polo shirt, or something like that, and a nice slim-fitting pair of pants.
Even if you've got a little bit of a belly, most women don't really mind that belly so much, it's just one of those things, so don't worry about it. You still want to slim your clothes down, you don't want to have big, tented clothes. So grooming before you get those photos taken for your online dating profile, go to a barber and get everything taken care of because it really makes a difference for women.
When women see a well-groomed man, they see a man who has his act together. They see a man who cares about himself and the picture he puts toward the world; that is very attractive to women. So ladies, pretty pictures of yourself as beautiful as you can make them; men, good grooming, no fish, that will really help- Heather: Sounds like a hashtag, greatgroomingnofish.
The grooming thing, I concur. I know it's in right now for the young lads out there to have a big beard, and I know that does attract some women. However, in my experience, you can still have a beard or a mustache and be groomed; there's a difference.