Dating Race | SBS News
Democracy Dies in Darkness Dating in the modern age: You carefully type up a profile, taking care He enlisted his parents — who'd had an arranged marriage — to help “Here in America,” Patel told me, “there's emphasis almost entirely on love. There was never any doubt and anxiety about that. "We live in a society full of choice, why does somebody like dark She's always dated white men and eventually married one. all the women have an Asian background and the men are from any race. Jennifer Lundquist is a US-based sociologist who has studied racial preferences in online dating. In beljournalist.info's annual Singles in America Survey, which polls more than 5, people who are not . One guy said, “Let's meet at Starbucks at 8 or 9 at night. . For most marriages, they will do some background checking.
Each spouse could choose a favorite activity which you then combine into one evening, or the wife could propose her favorite activities for one date and the husband plans the next date with his favorites. Ride a city bus for the whole route.
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Reflect on the sights you see and the lives of the people who are your fellow passengers. Debrief your insights afterwards. Wait for snow and give yourself permission to make snow angels or make a snowman. Go roller blading or revisit your childhood by visiting a roller skating rink. Visit a pet store together. This is usually good for stirring up warm fuzzy feelings. Talk about any pets you had as a child. Ever gone midnight bowling?
Some places have special music, lighting, and gimmicks. Look through old photo albums and tell each other stories of your childhood and families. If you feel really energetic, make it a time to put all those loose photos in albums or on a disc. During Lent, go to a fish fry. The fish is not the point. Seeing a community work together to feed the multitudes is a miracle in itself. Are you a member of a faith community? Hang out at a bookstore.
Browse through your favorite sections. Assume an erudite persona for an evening. Do something to nurture your spiritual life. Visit your local zoo. Spring is often an especially engaging time since your likely to see some endearing zoo babies and glorious flowers.
Try creating a crazy or luxurious outfit for each other and wear it home. It may be the only time you wear it other than Halloween before you donate it back to the store. Inspired by Co-op America Volunteer somewhere together — a nursing home, a soup kitchen, clean up litter from a park or along your street. Pray a simple litany of thanks together, i. For our family, we thank you Lord. For a safe home, we thank you Lord. For our health, we thank you Lord… Outdoorsy dates Water and moonlight can be romantic.
Is there a lake, a river, a fountain near your home? Take a walk along a body of water at night. Sara McCorquodale suggests that women meeting strangers on dates meet initially in busy public places, share details of upcoming dates with friends or family so they know where they'll be and who they'll be with, avoid revealing one's surname or address, and conduct searches on them on the Internet prior to the date. Don't leave drinks unattended; have an exit plan if things go badly; and ask a friend to call you on your cell phone an hour into the date to ask how it's going.
The Internet is shaping the way new generations date. FacebookSkypeWhatsappand other applications have made remote connections possible. Online dating tools are an alternate way to meet potential dates. The average duration of courtship before proceeding to engagement or marriage varies considerably throughout the world. Shanghai marriage market Patterns of dating are changing in China, with increased modernization bumping into traditional ways.
One report in China Daily suggests that dating for Chinese university women is "difficult" and "takes work" and steals time away from academic advancement, and places women in a precarious position of having to balance personal success against traditional Chinese relationships.
But in China, we study together. Like other women in my social circle, I have certain demands for a potential mate. He doesn't have to make much more than I do, but he must be doing at least as well as I am, and has to be compatible with me, both morally and spiritually He should also own an apartment instead of us buying one together.
Remember what Virginia Wolf [sic] said? My preference is for Caucasian white Australian males and I'm from a migrant background so I immigrated quite young, and you're told very quickly you've got to, you know, you've got to work twice as hard, you've got be, you know, twice as good.
There's this "west is best" mentality, and even just the physical value of beauty, even though they don't - like my parents would never say, you know, being white is beautiful. It would be things like get out of the sun, you're getting darker and you know, that sort of mentality that actually is more of a classist thing because for a lot of Asian people being dark skinned is actually associated with working labour class.
So that affects who you're attracted to? Yes, because in my youth I would have interpreted that as get out of the sun, you're getting darker, darker is ugly, look at all my white friends, they're not dark, they're white. When we talk about issues of dating, particularly in kind of a racialised context, it's in the broader context of race relations. Ian, you've done facial attraction research.
What are the drivers for physical attraction between people and does race come into it at all? Attraction is a very complex thing, but from an evolutionary perspective, being attracted to someone is thought of essentially as a way of identifying an appropriate mate, someone who is healthy and someone who could potentially give you healthy children.
And where kind of the cross cultural sorts of inter-ethnic aspects of this might come in is that by having children with someone who is less related to you, you actually reduce the chances of your offspring having certain genetic diseases. Okay, Bill Von Hippel in Brisbane, you're an evolutionary psychologist, what do you think are the drivers for sexual attraction and where does race fit in? Well, there is no evolutionary basis for being attracted to somebody of a different race because in the kind of evolutionary timeframe where these preferences would have evolved, we never actually encountered anyone of a different race.
It's very much a privilege of the modern world that I can meet somebody who their group lived thousands of miles away from my own. In my lifetime, 10, 20, 30 thousand years ago I would only encounter people who looked quite a bit like me.
So in response to the earlier question you're asking Ian, and part of the reason why we haven't evolved to prefer other races, even though in fact he's absolutely right, we get a real benefit genetically out of having offspring with people of other races, is that we don't have a history of doing so.
As it stands now, we simply are attracted to people by virtue of whether we personally find them attractive, whether they have the features that we personally are looking for. Okay, is there any evidence that race in itself is a driver for people's attraction to other people? No, in general, no, and in fact even people who claim they prefer X or don't prefer it, often find that when life throws them a curve ball, they meet somebody that they actually are very attracted to who is a member of a different race and they didn't want this for themselves but that's the way it goes.
John Carroll, you used a dating website, Filipino Cupid, to find a wife. Why did you specifically want a Filipino wife?
Pure and simply because I wanted someone that could speak English. There are a lot of people in the world who can speak English.
Because from my understanding, it wasn't going to - there wasn't too many Chinese that could speak English very well, there wasn't too many Vietnamese people, Thai people, but Filipino yeah. Okay, so you're looking for an Asian wife in a sense? So why that, that group, why Asian? Why were you looking only at Asian women and not more broadly at English speaking women? Prior to meeting Edelisa I'd had like a decade plus long relationship with a lady from Malaysia, she'd been here a number of years, could speak English very well, and despite the fact it didn't work out I had a lot of good positive memories of the relationship itself so that basically set it in train for me.
I said that's what I'm looking for, that's what I want and that's why I went down this road. Were there particular qualities that you associated with Asian women and with Filipino women apart from the language issue?
Yeah, well the stereotype, one of the stereotypes that is bandied around, well Asian women treat western men better than a white woman might and the belief is, is that yes, that's true, I believe that to be true. In what sort of ways? Very attentive, very attentive, yeah.
But really made you feel, you know, you're, yeah, it made you feel good, complete, yeah. Yeah, that one relationship so I said well, yeah, I'd like to, go down that road and that's why I constantly chose, you know, to find someone who I could speak with in my own language, who was attractive. Attractiveness is important to me, let who get that point clear, I think for a lot of men that is the first thing that they look at when trying to find somebody, is she attractive or is she not?
Made contact with her via Yahoo Messenger you proposed? And it was just a snap decision, I just picked up the phone off the counter and just went to the site, will you marry me, boom and that was it.
And you hadn't met her in person? No, no, only on webcam, like, you know? And Edelisa, how did you feel when that Yahoo message came through? I ask him, like are you serious about it? Because it's like that fast, you know, to ask me. We've been chatting for three months only and then he already asked me to get married. So you were surprised? Were you specifically looking for a western husband?
Yes, I'm like, I'm attracted to Caucasian also. And what are you attracted to about Caucasian men? I could see it in my two brothers-in-law and they are like responsible. They look after my sisters, I mean they are good husbands, better than a Filipino husband. Is there a Filipino man in the audience here somewhere please? But I want to explore this a little bit more though, what do you mean they look after you better, in what way?
I just found him like, they are responsible in the way that they are, like that's it, they look after, like also the kids, send them to a good school and they provide everything the kids want. Interesting, Sophie, the idea that Edelisa has is that Caucasian men are better at providing those things and your view is that, you know, you like it in Asian men. I guess that I wouldn't broadly say that all Asian people are the same, it's a big continent.
What I found is quite true, is that in my opinion, in my case, Korean, my Korean husband there, Han, he's been a very responsible father, very responsible husband, really interested in providing for our family and very interested in having a lifelong marriage.
I want to ask you two about the actual physical attraction between the two of you. I mean at this point where you were asked about getting married Edelisa, were you in love, had you fallen in love with this person on the other end of Skype or not? Like we've been chatting three times a day on Skype, for three months, like there's already the spark. Like, then when he asked me to marry him, so that's why I did not say no, because I already feel something that I like him and then I'm also like attracted to him.
So how long was it before you actually met one another in person? So three months after the proposal you actually met one another person?
Yeah, and then we did it, we got married just like that. Edelisa, had you ever dated Filipino men? Yeah, yeah, I had a child from Filipino.
And had you dated other races at all? Jennifer, to what extent do social reasons drive people's choices? If you look at interracial marriage rates and coupling rates you tend to find a big difference if you look at, for example, whites and Asian unions, you find a big gender difference.
So in both cases white women are less likely to be married to Asian men and white men are more likely to be married to Asian women, and there are a lot of different theories for why this. So for example, some westernised men may look for women from other cultures that are perhaps more family traditional and want to marry a woman who, subscribes to more conservative gender roles and that certainly seems to be the case with your one guest there and thinking about having a Filipino wife.
Whereas many westernised women, white women, may feel that marrying an Asian man or a Latino man, that they will have a more patriarchal approach and be less supportive of their more feminist type of culture. Anyone relate to any of that?? I find like there's a huge difference in how Caucasian men treat women. So just for example, when I, my English ex cooked me dinner, he would cook me dinner like from the start to finish and even like help cleaning the dishes and even like pamper me and do everything for me.
But my Indonesian ex would just expect me to cook dinner and then let me do the dishes and then he'll just like play games on the internet. That's the idea of having like a romantic dinner. Okay, I think we've got to be very careful not to stereotype here. You know we're talking about people's individual experiences. Why do you have Race specific events? We program our events based on preference. So popularity, if enough people suggest a certain type of event, that's an event that we'll put on.
If it's popular or successful and when I say successful we talk about a higher match rate, then it's an event we keep on running. So what are the most popular events? One of our really popular events is Asian women speed dating. It has a very high match rate so we ran an event last night that had percent match rate, meaning that every person who came met at least one person that they matched with.
Let's have a look. Ladies if you can please spread yourselves around the room at one of the tables and we'll get going. Nothing against the blonde haired, blue eyed girls but Asian ladies definitely look after the partner, yeah, and very easy to get along with. I'm looking for a good man. It doesn't matter where he comes from MAN 3: I guess Asian women might be a little more open to try new things.
Just things out of the ordinary, I guess, like hobbies like car racing, and stuff like that. If I want to get married to someone, I don't want to only marry them for their good looks only. If we have nothing in common, it's going to be like flat line. Asian girls like a guy that doesn't flirt with everybody but they just find the one they like and settle down rather than Caucasian, which tend to be a little bit more player-like. I guess that's - yeah, I think that's the stigma.
Do you speak Italian? Marianna, it brought a big laugh here, why? It was just the car racing, he was open to try new things like car racing. It wasn't what I was thinking. No, I don't think it was what anyone here was thinking really, but what did everybody make of that? I mean of that whole idea, I mean it's a popular event for Shaun.
It clearly perpetuates those stereotypes that we were talking about, about Asian women being maybe sometimes a bit more docile or that they are supposedly, you know, well I think our friend here said more attentive to the man and will be at the man's beck and call rather than somebody that's more assertive. I think it's a stereotype. I've got Asian friends, I don't think that they're necessarily all like that - I think it's a personality issue.
John, do you think it's a stereotype?
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To an extent it is, but as far as Asian women being docile, I'm sorry to disappoint you, they're not docile, they're not docile. Okay, I wonder, Juliana, have you met men who you feel like you just because you're Asian in that sense, have you had that experience? Totally, yeah, I think for like Europeans, they're so crazy about Asian women, like they have this thing called yellow fever, I think everyone knows that.
We heard that term a lot in research that showed, yeah, we heard about other types of fever too I have to say, a lot of fever going down. Shaun, I mean when you say that an event is focused on Asian women, do you find men are looking for predominantly a particular nationality? Is there one nationality that's more popular than others? No, no, I don't think there is. I think people have an internal check list, if you like, and so race specific events such as Asian women or such as European men, which is another event that we do, people come into that with one thing already ticked off their list.
So the eight minutes that you have with each person then perhaps you can focus on other things which perhaps might be why there's such a high match rate, as opposed to some broader events that we put on.
Where isn't there a demand? We haven't been approached about Asian men events, we haven't been approached about European women events. Katherine, you provide a match making service too. Who are the majority of your clients and what they are looking for? So what's the bulk of that business, does any one particular cross cultural pairing stand out?
For example Caucasian looking for Asian ladies or vice versa. Okay, but what do those men say they're looking for? To me, I'm professional match maker for 25 years, I have interviewed about more than 20, individuals, so majority of the Caucasian men came to me, the physical attraction is coming first.
Then they develop the interest into the personality. So what is it about the physical attraction, do they say what it is? Yes, majority, majority of Asian woman appeal to be petite and they particularly like the petite type figure or physical attributes, if you call, and the dark complexion and hair and the way they present themselves.
They take a pride in their looks. Apart from the physical attraction they think Asian women are friendly, they're more approachable, they're gentle, they attracted to their mentality, attitude, outlook on life, and they're appearing to be more family orientate in lots of ways.
And what, so that's what the men are looking for. What are the women looking for? Women, blue eyes, blond hair, strong, tall body so there's lots of Asian women are attracted, physically attracted to the Caucasian men. And your husband is sitting right there beside you? That's why I fall in love with him. I say you're so lucky, you have a full set of beautiful hair, that's what I fall in love with.
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And are there any groups that you don't deal with or won't deal with in your business? Yes, lots of Caucasian men want very young age of Asian ladies. So one guy particularly, it's very funny, so he's 68 or something, he wants someone I said tell me why you think this lady would like to go on date with you. He says someone else can do it. I don't know if I should mention the name, someone famous, right? The Australian media guru married a very, very, very, very young woman lady.
Whose initials might be RM perhaps? Anyway, he said if he can do it, why can't I?